Change is Good Only If We Embrace It

I wish I was one of those people who like change, sadly I am not. Some people can just ebb and flow with lifes turns, straightaways, potholes and u-turns, sadly I cannot. I mean on a certain level I have dealt with what "road conditions" I have been dealt. I believe God has a plan for everyone and everything, and in this is which I cling to, and have a bumper sticker on my "car of life". It seems lately I have had potholes, traffic accidents, fender benders, rain and flat tires, and I have to say if at any other time I have not been able to embrace it try as I might. Having a disease which is ultimately fatal, has left you scarred physically,emotionally and mentally has left me just numb. I dont really know how I feel at times, other times I feel nothing. I do my best to put on a positive attitude esp when it comes to my kids, who have been thru so much, but when I look in the mirror I wonder how I got here. How did I get here? One of the problems I have is that I can handle things if I know the "purpose/reason"...in the beginning of my illness I saw how it changed my husband, my kids, myself for the better...we were looking to God, growing closer etc etc and peoples live were being changed by our situation. Then as things progressed I began teaching in my womens bible study...I got fufillment and purpose to such an unexplainable degree...the only other time I felt like that was when I was having babies...I could see how God was using this, possibly where I saw things going (ie my writing career) I was growing, and all of a sudden it seemed...Wham! It was almost like the sky got pitch black and I couldnt see my way...its like that now...Im not able to teach right now, which is a HUGE loss for me...Im pretty much homebound at the moment which is soooo not like the kind of person I am...Im used to it, but I dont like it.
There have been other changes in my life as well besides this illness...Admist that I have 3, count them 1, 2 , 3 teenagers (obv I didnt think ahead and plan that when I was having them lol)and one is 19 which is a HUGE change...hes begun that process (=change)of stepping out of the nest....That has been really really hard...did I say hard? The other 2 are going thru some major changes and I am just at a place I cant take it all in...My husband has been dealing with depression which has its challenges of its own, one being getting a med to help him.
During all this I want to write, esp the books He has put on my heart, but Im have writers block right now...I feel like its not the right time for some reason but then I second guess myself...So needless to say Im trusting God but I cant see my way out, around or even my hand in front of my face, and so this is change at its finest...When the sun comes out will I like where Im at? Or will I be discontent? Will I ever get to a place I can accept this change, if its not going to change for the better? I dont know, I cant answer that. I will say that despite all that is going on I odnt feel a sense of "doom and gloom", I just dont know what to do with this which has been put on my plate.
All I know at this moment is that Im focused on God, trying to stay positive and hoping that whatever is around the corner is going to be good...at least better than it is. So as I said hence the title, change is good only if you can embrace it...Now I cant quite embrace the changes in my life, but maybe for now all I can do is look it in the eye and wave hello. In the coming months maybe we can become batter friends, goodness knows I could always use some of those :o)More on my travels later... TaTa for now, Ive got some driving to do :oP